Intermezzo (I)

N: Have you had your breakfast?

S: No. 

N: Did you take any medicine in the last three days?

S: No. 

N: Do you get enough sleep?

S: No, really. Sleep is like money, one can never have enough of it. 

Sort some shit out at the very end point of business hour. Send it to my Sydney based colleague and we talk on Lync:

S: Can't it wait 'til tomorrow? You can ask somebody's help to review. 

L: Nooo. They (our client) are one hour ahead of us, so there is no way we can send this out before they're open. Why? Are you not confident?

S: Now that's a tricky question. Not much. But I believe if human being are doomed to never be 100% sure on anything, so~

-S 💋

The Art of Getting By

"Since the dawn of recorded history, something like 110 billion human beings have been born into this world. And not a single one of the made it. There are 6.8 billion people on the planet. Roughly 60 million of them die every year. 60 million people. That comes out of 160,000 per day. I read this quote once when I was a kid, "We live alone, we die alone. Everything else is an illusion." It used to keep me up at night. We all die alone. So, why am I supposed to spend my life working, sweating, struggling? For an illusion? Because no amount of friends, no girl, no assignments about conjugating the pluperfect or determining the square root of the hypotenuse is gonna help me avoid my fate. I have better things to do with my time."

It was an article from 10 days ago from Elite Daily that I bumped into before I write this post. According to the article we are allowed to miss something or someone that is no longer with us.

"We need to understand that through life, we will loose people we never thought we would, and it will hurt like hell. However, we need to accept that in order to live again without them, we need to grieve. The only way we can do this is by missing them until it hurts. If we don't, we won't go through the essential part of grieving, the part that allows us to move on." 

We lose people we care. We lose things we value the most; tokens, relationships, jobs you love, opportunities, etc. Losing things drive us crazy. It drags us into a black hole. We're trapped in a state of solitude, not a good way of solitude but a depressed way of solitude. Somehow, we tend to pull our self out of our circle. We drunk in sadness, sunk in despair. Make a perfect soil for jealousy to grow.

Suddenly you can see how life works, "life is unfair. But it's unfair to everyone, so that makes it fair". Say, you see your healthy relative pass away while your neighbour who's been sick for so long can finally get up from bed and do a morning jog. Or your ex who decided to rekindle his childhood romance and marry the (you think that she is a lucky) girl. Or your average friend who get your dream scholarship or job or life, whatsoever.

I agree with the article that "grieving was normal" because it was "essential to process" the loss. Besides, "in order to truly move on, we need to (grieve)".

In order to free our self from grieve we need to let go. And that is the most challenging part since, according to another article, "people crave comfort". It's either we miss the presence, the feeling, or the person who used to be with us.

I believe we undertake some kind of a test whenever life put us up in our least favourite situation. I'm not a gamer but I assume it's like in video games, you have to face your greatest enemy to level up. So I made up a test to measure my willingness and determination to letting go: I grabbed my phone the other night and called the person who spent his short period of time with me (and he really nailed it) and left.

I need to re-experience my emotional reaction. I need to know if my heart still skips a beat when his name appear on my cell phone screen. I need to know if I still look for topics to discuss. I need to know if I still feel the urge to call him again the next day. I need to examine the overall progress of an idea of his presence-diet.

The result wasn't that bad. I am proud to say that I can control the euphoria when his name popped up on my cell phone screen. I no longer look for a topic or two to discuss. And I reduce the urge to call him on the next day. It pleases me because I can see a progress in the process - a one year or more process, just to be precise. 

It doesn't mean I throw away all the memories, the expectations, and the happy ending scenarios of him and I. I sort them, store, and put them somewhere reachable - just so my mind is neat again. I some times open the storage and lit a candle to see if it's all still there. It is still there. He is still there. I take an extra breathe and slip his name in my prayers. It's a beautiful masochist emotions I can't resist. It's a kind of masochism I try to manage.

"You know we're going to be together one day, we just have to sort through all of our messed up issues first, and you have a lot of girls to sleep with to get out of your system."

-S 💋

(So,) Your Body is Wonderland (?)

"When Thompson hit seventy, he decided to change his lifestyle completely so that he could live longer. He went on a strict diet, he jogged, he swam, and he took sunbaths. In just three months' time, Thompson lost thirty pounds, reduced his waist by six inches, and expanded his chest by fifth inches. Svelte and tan, he decided to top it all off with a sporty new haircut. Afterwards, while stepping out of the barbershop, he was hit by a bus. 

As he lay dying, he cried out, "God, how could you do this to me?"

And a voice from the heavens responded, "To tell you the truth, Thompson, I didn't recognize you."" 

As you read, above is my other favourite joke from Plato and a Platypus Walk into a Bar by Thomas Cathcart and Daniel Klein. They use the joke to spice up their Metaphysics chapter highlighting Essentialism which I can relate lately.

After Eid this year I planned to loose some weight in order to dress in a killer bod in my so-called best friend wedding. I failed. But, thanks to body shape, we all can manage the killer bod issue.

I have to admit that due to my lack of willingness, willingness, willingness, energy, and time to do some work out I gain some weights. So, months after the wedding, I decided to hit the gym and joined their freestyle class. I bailed out after strength exercise. I felt nauseous and almost threw up. Not a good sign for a mid-twenty lad, I must say.

I have an average heights of Indonesian woman and a pear shaped body which cause me difficulty in buying pants. I have the convenience gaining some weights but trouble to loose some. I don't do particular sport and don't have any gym membership. I did Tae Kwon Do once and really like it since it's the best way to release your stress, anger, etc. I enjoy the gym facility from work to take classes and work out.

The story began when I had my evening stroll with a friend and a tacky man shouted "Nice bod!". I assume he shouted to both of us since no other women were walking nearby. I also assume he aimed his cheesy line to both of us instead my friend. Then John Mayer's Your Body is Wonderland stuck in my head, along with question mark hanging in the dead air and a frown.

John: Your body is wonderland.
Jane: Thank you. So what?

I know that it might be a compliment. And a compliment should not be followed by any intention. If someone give you a compliment don't forget to say "thank you" and smile (and you might want to leave). I usually won't give any compliment just because he/she give me one. And I regret people nowadays who give compliment as their chit chat material. Oh yes, we live in that era when girls saying "you are beautiful" in order to get "no, you are more beautiful" response and end up in a shop shit of who is the fairest of them all. It goes the same for "oh, you look skinnier than 5 minutes ago".

If you get a compliment, congratulation. But would you mind keep it for yourself? Someone I know, in real life, get really excited when she got a compliment. And she tell it to her friend(s) with excitement. One day she told me, "when I arrived, A told me that I look skinnier and she was like shouting and everyone is looking at me. OMG. LOL". I was in a good mood that day so I gave my best response, "yeah, so?". And she giggled. SHE. GIGGLED. - You know, this is quite an achievement for me to be friend with a person who takes credit from their loved one's success and a person who tells her friend when she got a compliment. Life is a mystery and I don't know if there will be any more findings that will make me proud of myself.

You might be ultra-beautiful. You might have a killer bod. You might just get your killer bod yesterday - thank your willingness to commit with the gym + PT, your excellence obedience to your diet program, and the healthy-weight loss caterer you paid. But please remember this Damsels, physical appearance is not everything. Of course it's everyone's dream to have a killer bod and so on and so forth - I myself want to have one like Angelina Jolie's or Blake Lively's.

But one might want to know what's in your mind too. What's you are against and where your support go. One might want to know your stand point. Which glasses or binocular you use to see particular issue. One might want to hear words, or even statement, from your polished thin or voluminous lips. One might want your arguments about current issue.

We're all getting there. The time when we have too many wrinkles, the hair turn grey, the lips are no longer full, the smile that is no longer a Close-up-smile, and so on and so forth. If you rely much on your physical appearance, once it gone you will receive no compliment ever again. And I wonder if John Mayer will ever write and arrange a song titled "Your Body is Dismaland" then perform it on his older year. - I actually think Dismaland, not the metaphor I used above, is pretty cool.

-S 💋

Salam dari Para Penyangga Langit

"Maka kami adalah penjaga batas antara ada dan tidak ada. Dan ini lah tugas yang mahadahsyat beratnya dan tak ada tugas lain yang menandinginya. Kelak bila tugas kami selesai, alam raya ini akan lenyap dalam ketiadaan. Ruang dan waktu tak lagi berwujud, bahkan juga materi. Semuanya akan lenyap sehingga yang ada tinggal yang Maha Ada."

(Salam dari Para Penyangga Langit oleh Ahmad Tohari)

-S 💋

Where do You Go to, My Lovely? - Peter Sarstedt

So look into my face Marie-Claire

And remember just who you are

Then go and forget me forever

But I know you still bear

the scar, deep inside, yes you do
(Where do You Go to, My Lovely? - Peter Sarstedt)

-S 💋

Tell it Like a Random Travel Buddy

"Somehow I still believe when a woman choose to wear hijab, it will keep them from misbehave," said a male travel buddy I met in an open trip.

-S 💋

Accidental Properties which Lead to Intentional Credits

"Behind every successful man there is ..."

a. A woman.

b. A woman, behind her is his wife.

c. A proud wife and surprised mother-in-law.

d. A lot of unsuccessful years.

What's your choice?

There will be no right or wrong answer.

It's OK too if you don't want to pick.

If I told you I still have contact, in real life, with people who is too proud of their loved one's achievement, would you believe me? You should.

No. I do not I envy every marked check-list on their life which are still unmarked in mine. I just have this thought, what happen if one day their successful loved one, who they're too proud of, decide to join Man in Black. You know. No contact. No memory. Nothing. What's left to them?

They can no longer be defined as A whose successful loved one work in a multinational company, with hundred million Rupiah salary per annum, and take A to dine out or buy new bag, outfit, and or shoes every weekend.

Who is A after their successful loved one join MIB?

If A don't have its own essence then A is dead.

I would like to cite Thomas Cathcart and Daniel Klein who cited Aristotle about essential and accidental properties in their book Plato and a Platypus Walk into a Bar. Here is what Cathcart and Klein wrote:

"Essential properties are those without which a thing wouldn't be what it is, and accidental properties are those who determine how a thing is, but not what it is."

It makes your successful loved one your accidental property. You should not be too proud of them because once they join MIB, you are nothing. Therefore they should never define you. Your successful loved one must extend your existence rather than define.

Now. You may lower down your voice when you brag about how your life is. Start question what kind of life you'll live in if your successful loved one join MIB. Do not taking credit of other's successes just so you can be the centre of attention.

-S 💋

I Call it Quits

October last year I got excited over many things. A month later it all flipped out - no excitement, no joy, nothing. I spent day and night with Ms. Depression (I follow popular article's definition of it and sorry I it's misuse).

I used to do self-talking because it help me to get through the day which I stop ever since. I can only hear negative voices mocking my so-called life every. Single. Day.

I have to admit that my self esteem weakened, I hold myself in almost everything. Repeat. EVERYTHING. I stopped saying unnecessary comment that obviously will hurt someone, I stop challenge people if there's one thing that we do not agree about, I avoid arguments. My egos gone. I don't have any will to beat people. To destroy their life. Their confidence. Or anything.

And yes, by the way, I often imagine I can ruin someone's life. Like the antagonist do on TV. My life is as blurry as your wind shield in stormy nights. The so-called quarter life crisis. I know. I get it. But still~

I became the last person you wish to meet in any occasion. Not to try to make it worse buy I turned into a boring date. Now, how. Could. I. Even. Explain. That. Ha. Ha.

Until two weeks ago, they played Legally Blonde on TV. Since Elle Woods is our heroine (I know, right?), her character spoke to me. Then I realized something's missing. It's been a while since the last time I read/watch an empowered woman character. This is the manifestation of "surround yourself with positive people", or energy, or whatever , saying. So I try to be surrounded by such energy.

I start to redefine myself. I search. I observe. I collect. I assort energy that will be manifested in the new me.

I don't know how long it will take. I don't know what will I be. I don't know what kind of energy that I looking for. I don't know anything.

Sometimes I think it's a good point to keep yourself from I-know-it-all state of being. It keeps you questioning and start looking.

I can still hear the negative voices. And I's try my best to ignore them. My wind shield is till blur. But I have baking soda to make it shine and new again. If it doesn't work, I'll figure out other appliance. I guess. I don't know. But I'm totally a fun date again. 💋

-S 💋