Photo by Photos Hobby via Unsplash

Old wounds are not worth revisiting.

-S

Pic by David Kennedy via Unsplash

Time will fulfill the promises you never kept.

-S

Doa yang Sedikit Memaksa

Kita pernah saling kenal ketika masih sama-sama mahir merajut hening jadi tawa

Kita pernah saling kenal ketika mampu mengekstrak tawa jadi sapa,

dan sapa jadi rindu

Tapi kita tidak pernah cukup saling mengenal untuk tahu bahwa kita sama-sama pandai berahasia

Sampai akhirnya kita mulai bertanya,

waktu kah yang terlalu cepat,

atau kita yang terburu-buru?

Lalu diam kita menjelma rindu

Aku diam-diam membisikkan namamu dalam kepasrahan doa yang sedikit memaksa.

-S

"Mama"

Pinterest

Sudah jadi rahasia umum bahwa saya kurang bisa bersosialisasi dengan anak-anak. Apa lagi dengan anak yang usianya di bawah 8 tahun. Mungkin bukan nggak bisa, tapi saya-nya yang nggak mau. Kenapa? Karena mereka belum bisa dibilangin; mereka belum tentu duduk sekali pun diminta duduk oleh Ibu-nya. Kira-kira kondisi semacam itu lah yang bikin saya malas dekat dengan anak-anak.

Akhir tahun 2015 akhirnya saya memutuskan untuk melawan rasa malas saya berdekatan dengan anak kecil. Saya mulai dengan menjadi relawan SabangMerauke. Saya sengaja menyasar anak usia remaja karena saya merasa sedikit lebih senang ada di antara mereka daripada ada di antara anak yang usianya di bawah 8 tahun. Saya sadar bahwa melalui kegiatan ini, saya belum tentu bisa menghabiskan banyak waktu dengan Anak SabangMerauke atau bahkan kenal dengan mereka satu per satu. Tapi seenggaknya saya sudah usaha.

Gawatnya, usaha saya di-amini semesta dan bahkan di-akselerasi. Bulan Februari saya menyewa sebuah kamar di Bendungan Hilir. Saya bertetangga dengan seorang ibu dan anaknya yang berusia tiga tahun. TIGA TAHUN. HAHAHA. FYI, ini bukan kali pertama saya bertetangga dengan ibu yang membawa anaknya untuk tinggal di rumah kos. Saat saya kuliah dan menyewa kamar di Depok, saya bertetangga dengan seorang ibu yang sedang melanjutkan studi S3 di Fakultas Teknik dan anaknya yang, pada saat saya menyelesaikan studi di Depok, sudah duduk di bangku SD dan bersekolah di SD dekat rumah kos.

Kembali ke ibu dan anak tiga tahunnya yang jadi tetangga baru saya. Tetangga baru saya anak laki-laki, biasa dipanggil Jem atau Jef saya nggak tahu pasti, dan ibu-nya yang dipanggil Mama. Dari cerita penjaga kos, ini adalah rumah kos kedua yang ditinggali Jem dan mamanya. Kamar yang mereka sewa di rumah kos sebelumnya hanya beda satu gang dangan rumah kos sekarang. Menurut penjaga kos, penghuni di rumah kos lama yang ditempati Jem dan mamanya banyak yang mengeluh karena Jem suka berisik jadi mereka diminta pindah. :(

Nah, ini. Anak umur tiga tahun tuh ya, memang berisik dan aktifnya luar biasa. Oke, ini sok tahu karena ... how do I know??? Pagi, saat saya mau berangkat kerja, Jem masih minum susu sambil nonton TV dan nggak teriak-teriak. Siang saya nggak ada di rumah kos. Sore/Malam saya pasti dengar Jem bercanda sama mamanya. Ah, masa saya tega sebal karena alasan itu? :(

Saya ngaku sih, kalau Jem memang suka ketawa agak lebay kalau diajak bercanda, apa lagi kalau lagi diajak bercanda di kamar sama mamanya. Saya yang cuma punya waktu baca jurnal dan lalalili malam hari supaya tesis cepat rampung, sebenarnya agak terganggu. Lagi-lagi, masa iya saya tega telpon yang punya rumah kos dan komplain tentang Jem? :( Mungkn tesis saya jadi bisa cepat selesai, tapi selesainya nggak berkah huhuhu

Setiap pagi Mama Jem pergi kerja. Beliau siap-siap berangkat kerja tanpa suara supaya Jem nggak bangun. Kalau Jem sampai bangun, anak itu akan nangis. Beneran. Nggak main-main nangisnya lama banget selesainyaaa :( Sebelum Maghrib Mama Jem sudah sampai di rumah kos. Kalau mamanya sudah pulang, Jem akan nempel terus. Sembari ngeringin rambut habis brsih-bersih, Jem akan ngajak mamanya ngobrol. Well, nggak literally ngobrol sih. Jem cuma akan bilang, "Ma, Ma, Mama..." diulang-ulang sampai yang lagi sok-sok baca jurnal pilu sendiri terus mewek. Ha.

Lalu pada suatu malam, sampai lah saya pada satu kesimpulan. Hubungan ibu dan anak itu melodramatis. Saya nggak siap tahu-tahu mewek di depan umum karena sibuk bikin skenario sendiri tentang ibu dan anak yang ada di hadapan saya. Mungkin itu salah satu faktor yang bikin saya nggak nyaman ada di dekat anak-anak yang usianya di bawah 8 tahun. Mereka masih murni dan belum punya intensi untuk berlaga "nggak sengaja" jatuhin botol minum kosong di tempat umum padahal sebenarnya males buang sampah ke tempatnya atau "minjam" pulpen yang nggak akan dikembalikan.

Terus saya kangen Ibu.

-S

So, I was Wondering

Flickr 

I re-embrace my commuter life in July. I used to take the bus but I can't seem to tolerate the traffic any more, so, this time, I take the train.

Not too long ago, I've been "recruited" by a couple of friends from the office to their commuter clique as we happen to take the same line. They took the train as their everyday transport long before me.

People who take the train are varied. You might find your neighbor who happen to be a member of the House of Reps., managers in a multinational company, merchants who have to take their kid(s)/grand kid(s) to their kiosk because nobody can watch them back home, beggars, students, or street performers. You can easily tell by their appearance OR by peeking to their screen phone OR by overheard their conversations. While the only way to recognize the member of the House of Reps.' in a car packed of people remains to be their neighbor.

Speaking of recognizing people by their appearance or by peeking to their stuff or by overheard their conversation, my commuter clique like to casually labelled whether a couple is made up or not. A made up couple is usually a(n allegedly) married man/woman who get too physical with someone other than their S. O. (significant other). It's kind of having an affair on the way to the office/home. My friends told me to check into the couple's finger to spot a wedding ring -- sometimes it's there but come in different color.

I had enough with married man/woman having an affair; friends who are married with kids still hanging out with their exes regularly -- just the two of them without their S.O. (significant other) knowing; friends who just got hitched for less than a year getting way too physical in public with some one other than his/her legal S.O. Having an affair is, indeed, an incurable disease. So I'm not going to talk about it.

A made up couple. Have you ever go out with your male friend who is really cute so you pretend like you are couple just to get a jealous look from the waitress or random people you meet? If so, this is what I called "channelling your inner S.O.". Hahahaha. Why on earth I'm writing about this anyway. I can't help but laughing and I have to take a break before I write the next paragraph.

It's not your fault if you can't help but acting as your friend's S.O. because of their cuteness (or maybe you have crush on him but you are in their friend-zone list or you just want to have that jealous look from random people at the mall or you have this fantasy of him/her and you doing the thing). It might be weird but I like to observe (random) girl and boy who hang out together.

First thing first, I'll find out whether or not they have that shiny circular gold (or white gold) on their finger. Once I find out, I'll observe their gesture, their body language, the smile they throw at each other. Are they a real couple? Or a made up one? If they are a real one, good for them. But I always go with the second assumption.

I wonder what's the story behind them. Was the girl secretly in love with the boy? Or it was the boy who secretly in love with the girl. Was the girl knew he's gay? Was he knew she's lesbian? Were they knew if one of them grab their phone, write a message, just to delete it the next minute in the middle of their hectic day? Were they met on a dating app and run an errand? Were they once a lover and try to rekindle their romance? Were they almost a couple before one of them got hitched? Were they whisper each other names in their prayer? Who am I, a hopeless romantic?

The train is coming. I should be queuing behind the yellow line just like everybody else. Trying to keep my mind from wandering further, inventing a bitter story for every girl and boy I met at the station. All of a sudden, I found his face in the crowd on the opposite platform. He's looking down checking his phone -- any chance he text me? Oh, he's probably just delete it. Or the text wasn't for me. Our eyes met. He smiles -- an action he rarely does. I smiled back. The train interrupted us.

-S 💋

Intermezzo (I)

N: Have you had your breakfast?

S: No. 

N: Did you take any medicine in the last three days?

S: No. 

N: Do you get enough sleep?

S: No, really. Sleep is like money, one can never have enough of it. 

Sort some shit out at the very end point of business hour. Send it to my Sydney based colleague and we talk on Lync:

S: Can't it wait 'til tomorrow? You can ask somebody's help to review. 

L: Nooo. They (our client) are one hour ahead of us, so there is no way we can send this out before they're open. Why? Are you not confident?

S: Now that's a tricky question. Not much. But I believe if human being are doomed to never be 100% sure on anything, so~

-S 💋

The Art of Getting By

"Since the dawn of recorded history, something like 110 billion human beings have been born into this world. And not a single one of the made it. There are 6.8 billion people on the planet. Roughly 60 million of them die every year. 60 million people. That comes out of 160,000 per day. I read this quote once when I was a kid, "We live alone, we die alone. Everything else is an illusion." It used to keep me up at night. We all die alone. So, why am I supposed to spend my life working, sweating, struggling? For an illusion? Because no amount of friends, no girl, no assignments about conjugating the pluperfect or determining the square root of the hypotenuse is gonna help me avoid my fate. I have better things to do with my time."

It was an article from 10 days ago from Elite Daily that I bumped into before I write this post. According to the article we are allowed to miss something or someone that is no longer with us.

"We need to understand that through life, we will loose people we never thought we would, and it will hurt like hell. However, we need to accept that in order to live again without them, we need to grieve. The only way we can do this is by missing them until it hurts. If we don't, we won't go through the essential part of grieving, the part that allows us to move on." 

We lose people we care. We lose things we value the most; tokens, relationships, jobs you love, opportunities, etc. Losing things drive us crazy. It drags us into a black hole. We're trapped in a state of solitude, not a good way of solitude but a depressed way of solitude. Somehow, we tend to pull our self out of our circle. We drunk in sadness, sunk in despair. Make a perfect soil for jealousy to grow.

Suddenly you can see how life works, "life is unfair. But it's unfair to everyone, so that makes it fair". Say, you see your healthy relative pass away while your neighbour who's been sick for so long can finally get up from bed and do a morning jog. Or your ex who decided to rekindle his childhood romance and marry the (you think that she is a lucky) girl. Or your average friend who get your dream scholarship or job or life, whatsoever.

I agree with the article that "grieving was normal" because it was "essential to process" the loss. Besides, "in order to truly move on, we need to (grieve)".

In order to free our self from grieve we need to let go. And that is the most challenging part since, according to another article, "people crave comfort". It's either we miss the presence, the feeling, or the person who used to be with us.

I believe we undertake some kind of a test whenever life put us up in our least favourite situation. I'm not a gamer but I assume it's like in video games, you have to face your greatest enemy to level up. So I made up a test to measure my willingness and determination to letting go: I grabbed my phone the other night and called the person who spent his short period of time with me (and he really nailed it) and left.

I need to re-experience my emotional reaction. I need to know if my heart still skips a beat when his name appear on my cell phone screen. I need to know if I still look for topics to discuss. I need to know if I still feel the urge to call him again the next day. I need to examine the overall progress of an idea of his presence-diet.

The result wasn't that bad. I am proud to say that I can control the euphoria when his name popped up on my cell phone screen. I no longer look for a topic or two to discuss. And I reduce the urge to call him on the next day. It pleases me because I can see a progress in the process - a one year or more process, just to be precise. 

It doesn't mean I throw away all the memories, the expectations, and the happy ending scenarios of him and I. I sort them, store, and put them somewhere reachable - just so my mind is neat again. I some times open the storage and lit a candle to see if it's all still there. It is still there. He is still there. I take an extra breathe and slip his name in my prayers. It's a beautiful masochist emotions I can't resist. It's a kind of masochism I try to manage.

"You know we're going to be together one day, we just have to sort through all of our messed up issues first, and you have a lot of girls to sleep with to get out of your system."

-S 💋

(So,) Your Body is Wonderland (?)

"When Thompson hit seventy, he decided to change his lifestyle completely so that he could live longer. He went on a strict diet, he jogged, he swam, and he took sunbaths. In just three months' time, Thompson lost thirty pounds, reduced his waist by six inches, and expanded his chest by fifth inches. Svelte and tan, he decided to top it all off with a sporty new haircut. Afterwards, while stepping out of the barbershop, he was hit by a bus. 

As he lay dying, he cried out, "God, how could you do this to me?"

And a voice from the heavens responded, "To tell you the truth, Thompson, I didn't recognize you."" 

As you read, above is my other favourite joke from Plato and a Platypus Walk into a Bar by Thomas Cathcart and Daniel Klein. They use the joke to spice up their Metaphysics chapter highlighting Essentialism which I can relate lately.

After Eid this year I planned to loose some weight in order to dress in a killer bod in my so-called best friend wedding. I failed. But, thanks to body shape, we all can manage the killer bod issue.

I have to admit that due to my lack of willingness, willingness, willingness, energy, and time to do some work out I gain some weights. So, months after the wedding, I decided to hit the gym and joined their freestyle class. I bailed out after strength exercise. I felt nauseous and almost threw up. Not a good sign for a mid-twenty lad, I must say.

I have an average heights of Indonesian woman and a pear shaped body which cause me difficulty in buying pants. I have the convenience gaining some weights but trouble to loose some. I don't do particular sport and don't have any gym membership. I did Tae Kwon Do once and really like it since it's the best way to release your stress, anger, etc. I enjoy the gym facility from work to take classes and work out.

The story began when I had my evening stroll with a friend and a tacky man shouted "Nice bod!". I assume he shouted to both of us since no other women were walking nearby. I also assume he aimed his cheesy line to both of us instead my friend. Then John Mayer's Your Body is Wonderland stuck in my head, along with question mark hanging in the dead air and a frown.

John: Your body is wonderland.
Jane: Thank you. So what?

I know that it might be a compliment. And a compliment should not be followed by any intention. If someone give you a compliment don't forget to say "thank you" and smile (and you might want to leave). I usually won't give any compliment just because he/she give me one. And I regret people nowadays who give compliment as their chit chat material. Oh yes, we live in that era when girls saying "you are beautiful" in order to get "no, you are more beautiful" response and end up in a shop shit of who is the fairest of them all. It goes the same for "oh, you look skinnier than 5 minutes ago".

If you get a compliment, congratulation. But would you mind keep it for yourself? Someone I know, in real life, get really excited when she got a compliment. And she tell it to her friend(s) with excitement. One day she told me, "when I arrived, A told me that I look skinnier and she was like shouting and everyone is looking at me. OMG. LOL". I was in a good mood that day so I gave my best response, "yeah, so?". And she giggled. SHE. GIGGLED. - You know, this is quite an achievement for me to be friend with a person who takes credit from their loved one's success and a person who tells her friend when she got a compliment. Life is a mystery and I don't know if there will be any more findings that will make me proud of myself.

You might be ultra-beautiful. You might have a killer bod. You might just get your killer bod yesterday - thank your willingness to commit with the gym + PT, your excellence obedience to your diet program, and the healthy-weight loss caterer you paid. But please remember this Damsels, physical appearance is not everything. Of course it's everyone's dream to have a killer bod and so on and so forth - I myself want to have one like Angelina Jolie's or Blake Lively's.

But one might want to know what's in your mind too. What's you are against and where your support go. One might want to know your stand point. Which glasses or binocular you use to see particular issue. One might want to hear words, or even statement, from your polished thin or voluminous lips. One might want your arguments about current issue.

We're all getting there. The time when we have too many wrinkles, the hair turn grey, the lips are no longer full, the smile that is no longer a Close-up-smile, and so on and so forth. If you rely much on your physical appearance, once it gone you will receive no compliment ever again. And I wonder if John Mayer will ever write and arrange a song titled "Your Body is Dismaland" then perform it on his older year. - I actually think Dismaland, not the metaphor I used above, is pretty cool.

-S 💋

Salam dari Para Penyangga Langit

"Maka kami adalah penjaga batas antara ada dan tidak ada. Dan ini lah tugas yang mahadahsyat beratnya dan tak ada tugas lain yang menandinginya. Kelak bila tugas kami selesai, alam raya ini akan lenyap dalam ketiadaan. Ruang dan waktu tak lagi berwujud, bahkan juga materi. Semuanya akan lenyap sehingga yang ada tinggal yang Maha Ada."

(Salam dari Para Penyangga Langit oleh Ahmad Tohari)

-S 💋

Where do You Go to, My Lovely? - Peter Sarstedt

So look into my face Marie-Claire

And remember just who you are

Then go and forget me forever

But I know you still bear

the scar, deep inside, yes you do
(Where do You Go to, My Lovely? - Peter Sarstedt)

-S 💋

Tell it Like a Random Travel Buddy

"Somehow I still believe when a woman choose to wear hijab, it will keep them from misbehave," said a male travel buddy I met in an open trip.

-S 💋

Accidental Properties which Lead to Intentional Credits

"Behind every successful man there is ..."

a. A woman.

b. A woman, behind her is his wife.

c. A proud wife and surprised mother-in-law.

d. A lot of unsuccessful years.

What's your choice?

There will be no right or wrong answer.

It's OK too if you don't want to pick.

If I told you I still have contact, in real life, with people who is too proud of their loved one's achievement, would you believe me? You should.

No. I do not I envy every marked check-list on their life which are still unmarked in mine. I just have this thought, what happen if one day their successful loved one, who they're too proud of, decide to join Man in Black. You know. No contact. No memory. Nothing. What's left to them?

They can no longer be defined as A whose successful loved one work in a multinational company, with hundred million Rupiah salary per annum, and take A to dine out or buy new bag, outfit, and or shoes every weekend.

Who is A after their successful loved one join MIB?

If A don't have its own essence then A is dead.

I would like to cite Thomas Cathcart and Daniel Klein who cited Aristotle about essential and accidental properties in their book Plato and a Platypus Walk into a Bar. Here is what Cathcart and Klein wrote:

"Essential properties are those without which a thing wouldn't be what it is, and accidental properties are those who determine how a thing is, but not what it is."

It makes your successful loved one your accidental property. You should not be too proud of them because once they join MIB, you are nothing. Therefore they should never define you. Your successful loved one must extend your existence rather than define.

Now. You may lower down your voice when you brag about how your life is. Start question what kind of life you'll live in if your successful loved one join MIB. Do not taking credit of other's successes just so you can be the centre of attention.

-S 💋

I Call it Quits

October last year I got excited over many things. A month later it all flipped out - no excitement, no joy, nothing. I spent day and night with Ms. Depression (I follow popular article's definition of it and sorry I it's misuse).

I used to do self-talking because it help me to get through the day which I stop ever since. I can only hear negative voices mocking my so-called life every. Single. Day.

I have to admit that my self esteem weakened, I hold myself in almost everything. Repeat. EVERYTHING. I stopped saying unnecessary comment that obviously will hurt someone, I stop challenge people if there's one thing that we do not agree about, I avoid arguments. My egos gone. I don't have any will to beat people. To destroy their life. Their confidence. Or anything.

And yes, by the way, I often imagine I can ruin someone's life. Like the antagonist do on TV. My life is as blurry as your wind shield in stormy nights. The so-called quarter life crisis. I know. I get it. But still~

I became the last person you wish to meet in any occasion. Not to try to make it worse buy I turned into a boring date. Now, how. Could. I. Even. Explain. That. Ha. Ha.

Until two weeks ago, they played Legally Blonde on TV. Since Elle Woods is our heroine (I know, right?), her character spoke to me. Then I realized something's missing. It's been a while since the last time I read/watch an empowered woman character. This is the manifestation of "surround yourself with positive people", or energy, or whatever , saying. So I try to be surrounded by such energy.

I start to redefine myself. I search. I observe. I collect. I assort energy that will be manifested in the new me.

I don't know how long it will take. I don't know what will I be. I don't know what kind of energy that I looking for. I don't know anything.

Sometimes I think it's a good point to keep yourself from I-know-it-all state of being. It keeps you questioning and start looking.

I can still hear the negative voices. And I's try my best to ignore them. My wind shield is till blur. But I have baking soda to make it shine and new again. If it doesn't work, I'll figure out other appliance. I guess. I don't know. But I'm totally a fun date again. 💋

-S 💋

La folie

Elle est folle
Elle est folle de lui

Il la rend fou,
Le mystère qu'elle sera sa raison à respirer
Ou pas.

Il la rend fou,
Le rêve qu'elle sera avec lui jusqu'à la fin de la journée
Ou pas

Elle est folle
Elle est folle de lui
Elle est tomber amoureuse qu'il la rend fou

Elle est folle de lui         
Même s'il se détourne d'elle
Il la rend fou, lui.

Tidakkah bunyi-bunyi diciptakan untuk menggenapi romansa?
Debur ombak dan rintik hujan misalnya.
Manakah yang lebih kau suka?
Aku suka hampa.
Namun kadang kurindukan juga suara.
Walau aku tak akrab betul suaranya.
Manakah yang lebih kau suka?


Sudirman, 10 Juli 2013

risalah angin

tidak

tidak ada nama yang dihembuskan angin

tidak ada suara yang hendak disampaikan angin

tidak ada yang dikirimi nafas hangat oleh angin

tidak

angin tidak membawa apa-apa

ia dingin

apa mungkin ia sedang main-main?

-S

aku ingin jadi satu, denganmu

aku ingin jadi satu

denganmu

bercumbu dengan waktu

menikmati rindu

aku ingin bercengkrama

dalam mesra

tertawa

diiringi doa kisah ini tak 'kan ada

akhirnya

aku ingin berbagi

mengunci sepi dalam jeruji

mengangkap mimpi-mimpi

menggenapkan jani-janji

aku ingin jadi satu

denganmu

seperti rasa ingin tahu

yang terselip di setiap ragu

-S

Kau tahu apa yang sering dikisahkan pujangga tentang manusia yang terjebak dalam cinta?
Katanya hatimu akan berdegup lebih kencang dari biasanya.
Tapi aku tidak begitu, kau tahu?
Aku hanya berharap kau dapat menemukanku
karena sepertinya kau selalu sibuk mencari-cari sesuatu.
Semoga kau tidak mencari sosok perempuan selain aku.

Kau tahu keinginanku begitu besar?
Kali ini aku ingin meyakinkan hatiku untuk membiarkanmu masuk
dan menetap di situ.
Sampai habis waktu.

Mereka bilang cinta itu kepasrahan.
Tapi cinta juga pengorbanan, pengharapan.
Dan jangan lupa,
cinta itu pengecualian.
Jadi 'kan ku kerahkan segala daya dan upayaku
untuk menggaaimu.
Aku tak mau dengar bila semesta tak memihakku.

Tolong.
Kali ini aku tidak ingin larut dalam doa dan kepasrahan
hingga lupa kau adalah tujuan.
Aku akan mengusahakanmu karena kau bukan persinggahan.

-S

Hanya Isyarat - Rectoverso

“Aku sampai di bagian bahwa aku telah jatuh cinta.
Namun orang itu hanya mampu kugapai sebatas punggungnya saja.
Seseorang yang cuma sanggup kuhayati bayangannya dan tak akan pernah kumiliki keutuhannya.
Seseorang yang hadir sekelebat bagai bintang jatuh yang lenyap keluar dari bingkai mata sebelum tangan ini sanggup mengejar.
Seseorang yang hanya bisa kukirimi isyarat sehalus udara, langit, awan atau hujan.
Seseorang yang selamanya harus dibiarkan berupa sebentuk punggung karena kalau sampai ia berbalik, niscaya hatiku hangus oleh cinta dan siksa.

oleh Dewi 'Dee' Lestari

Hanya Isyarat - Rectoverso

Aku jatuh cinta pada seseorang

yang hanya mampu aku gapai

sebatas punggungnya saja

Seseorang yang aku sanggup menikmati bayangnya

dan tidak akan pernah bisa aku miliki

Seseorang yang hadir bagai bintang jatuh

Sekelebat kemudian hilang

Sebelum tangan ini sanggup mengejar

Seseorang yang hanya bisa aku kirimi isyarat

sehalus udara, langit, awan, atau hujan.


oleh Dewi 'Dee' Lestari